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A little odd, but I understand.
Okay

[He meets her there not long after, he's definitely for more a mess than he'd been earlier in the day, but he expected that would be true for both of them. It wasn't easy on anyone.]

[Yeah, she's not doing much better. She cried a lot on Alistair and got some of it out, but she expects that won't be the end of the tears.

For now, she's got her feet in the pool, watching the silhouette of the water dance off the walls around them. Thankfully they're alone. She glances over at him and smiles.]

I didn't want to go back to the garden, and the bar's not a good idea right now. This seemed the best option.

I get the feeling we'll see plenty of the bar soon enough.
[He sits with her, cross-legged and his elbows digging into his knees as he stared out at the pool's water.]

It's quiet here.

...but I'm not sure what to say.

Probably. There goes my personal wine stash, too.

[Because damn straight she'll be hitting that hard.]

Not sure what all there is to say, in the end. There was no good outcome in this. We all made our beds. Now we have to lie in them.

Have Alistair replenish it for you at the next planet.

[He was silent a moment, but agreed with a nod.]

He won't be okay after this, not for some time, if ever. But...I hope he's made some friends who can help him to get better, at least.

I just might. He'll need it, too. Maker knows he's already probably having a bottle.

[She rubs a hand over her face.]

This... will be difficult. I - I don't know. If he doesn't trust me, or know how to approach you, I'm so afraid of what he might do. I hope his crew will look out for him at the very least.

He won't do anything. Not yet, at least. He'll think on it a while first, if I know him at all.

[He picked at some of the grout in-between the tiles of the pool to give his hands something to do.]

Do you think it would have been any easier if I'd told him sooner?

Edited 2018-03-23 02:49 (UTC)

And you do know him, better than anyone.

[She trusts Anders's insight into him. So long as nothing external persuades Justice into doing it, hopefully everything will turn out okay in that regard.

His question leaves her quiet a moment as she thinks it over. She had thought of it, before. Wondering if they should have told him sooner. In fact, she had wanted to, but that was mostly out of a desire to just get it done and over with.]

Easier? No. He might have reacted a bit less so. I do recall him saying he was upset we hid it all this time. If it would have made a difference overall, I'm not sure.

[He doesn't respond. His heart wanted a straight 'no' but his mind knew better. It probably would have been better if he'd said something sooner, but his own cowardice got in the way. Maker, he ruined everything, didn't he? At least on the usual.

He uncrossed his legs and unstrapped his boots, pulling them and his socks off one by one until he could roll up his pant legs and stick his feet in the water with her.]

I guess it doesn't matter now. We make our decisions and no amount of wish will change them.

[It wouldn't have felt honest, and they both deserve better than just empty placations and "there, there". Ultimately, even if it softened the blow somewhat, no matter when he told Justice, it would have sucked. There was no getting around it, and that's the worst bit.]

You did the best you could. You deserved to have time to think on it and try to find a way to tell him. Maker willing, maybe someday he'll understand that.

[She swishes her feet in the water. She lifts up one of her legs, watching as the water runs off of it, glistening faintly in the dim lighting of the pool room.]

Sometimes we do our best and it's just not enough. Life won't allow it. Could it have gone better? Maybe. I really don't know, but maybe. I do know it could have gone a lot worse.

[He scoffed.]

That's certainly true.

Hawke was sitting in Malum the whole time because he refused to be too far away in case the worst did happen. I'm not sure what exactly we were thinking might happen, but I suspect it had something to do with Justice suddenly losing himself. I didn't have enough faith in him to argue otherwise.

[He went silent again, watching the water ripple with their movements. Then:]

Someday, I know he'll ask me if I think the result was worth the pain and the sacrifice, his and mine and all those innocent people caught in between. I know he will because people too far from the issue to have any real context for the question have asked it. Wolfe asked it. Everyone asks. He will too.

I wonder what he'll think when I say yes.

I didn't want to consider Justice losing himself. But I had to. While I thought it entirely unlikely, after what happened with Cole some time ago, I couldn't rule it out. [So yes, she flat out lied to Justice about it. The possibility was remote in her mind, but it was there. She'd rather die than admit it to him, though.] Thank the Maker nothing of the sort occurred. [A glance at Anders.] And that stays between us.

[Granted he more or less admitted the same, she's not worried he'll say anything, but it doesn't hurt to make sure.

She mulls over what he says next. The answer doesn't entirely surprise her, but she's still unsure as to what to say to it. Better that he not regret it, she supposes. That would make it all the worse.]

I wish I knew. I hope he'll recognize that what's done is done and there's no point debating it. He's usually too practical for that.

I wouldn't dare think it.

[His own doubts, the fact he couldn't stand there, look Hawke in the eye and tell him Justice couldn't be dangerous on his own and separated, was something he would take to his grave. What was one more secret to go with the rest, even if it wasn't his?

He didn't bat an eye about the fact he'd just told her. She hadn't asked, but if there was anyone he felt the need to answer to, it was her. She might as well know. He felt remorse, but not regret.]

I hope so, but if he does wish to debate, I suppose I have plenty of practice in that as well. [Still, he sighs. He could, but that didn't mean it wouldn't be a tiring endeavor all the same.

He watches the water again. This oppressing horrible feeling was suffocating and he knew it wasn't going to go away easily, if ever. A few moments of reprieve would be nice. But then, would Justice find such reprieve in his own thoughts? Perhaps they didn't deserve such a wish.

But, Maker, it was hard to breathe, like a great weight on his chest, forcing his heart into a hammered frenzy to combat it.]

I'm going to do something stupid and impulsive. You're welcome to join me, if you'd like.

[It was all the warning he gave as he pulled his legs out of the water and stood before diving into the water, shirt and pants included. Just something to take the edge off.]

[It remains to be seen what he'll do. Right now it feels like they're teteering at the edge of an abyss, swaying back and forth hoping that they'll be able to swing back hard enough to escape the fall. A dramatic metaphor, but apt all the same. Ultimately it came down to what Justice decided to do. Not the most reassuring thought, given that he held the least amount of experience in handling such an emotionally fraught situation.

She almost doesn't hear him, her attention catching it only at the last second. She blinks, her mouth opening to ask him what he means - just before he gets up and dives. The dive splashes water on her, some getting into her mouth. Riona sputters, spitting it out. Well, he wasn't kidding about impulsive.]

Why - oh, fuck it. [With less of a mess, she slides into the water after him. This will be fun to explain to Alistair later. For a moment, she lets herself sink into the water, letting the weight swallow her. The water's so still, so different from the sea she used to swim in back home, during her childhood. The stillness unnerves her a bit, enough to come up for air a moment later.]

[The weight of his clothes pull him lower, but it was nothing compared to the time he swam clear across Lake Calenhad in full circle robes, so he couldn't complain. It granted him a moment where he almost hung there, the silence and stillness comforting in a way. It wasn't trying to bufet him around as the lake or an ocean would, it just sat there, only moving under his direction.

Well, his and hers as Riona slid into the water as well with a smooth swish and bubble that was unique to hear from under the water.

But he was no fish, air was still a necessity and he surfaced again a moment later, his hand brushing the water from his eyes and back into his hair which floated lose on the surface around him. It didn't make anything better, but for just a moment, that tightness and feeling of suffocating loosened.

When Riona surfaced as well Anders' mouth twitched in a smirk.]

I wasn't sure you'd do it.

[Her own hair plasters to her face. Given its length and volume, it takes a moment for her to shove it all aside. The only downside to having such long locks.]

Oh? Why's that?

[She cocks a brow at him, expression interested but not upset by his question. A part of her is pretty sure she knows the answer, but all the same, she wants to hear it from him.]

[If he was in the state of mind, he'd probably comment on how pretty it still is even wet.]

I don't know. I know I was never particularly reverent to you, but you're still the Warden Commander, Hero of Ferelden so on and so forth. If I've learned nothing else from knowing Hawke, I know how little a title can dictate a person over simply the impressiveness of their actions.

Sometimes you're just my best friend and sometimes you're Lady Cousland and I'm not sure which will come out when.

[A beat]

Also, I guess, you're the queen of Ferelden but sometimes I generally just forget that if I'm being honest.

I am a wearer of many hats, it's true. [Sometimes it's exhausting keeping up with all those roles, and knowing when to switch out which one and when. Balls, at times she wears more than one and that's a juggling act in and of itself.] At times, even I don't know which "me" will come out. It can be easy to get lost in all those roles.

[There are moments where fear chokes her and she wonders if she's gotten lost in all these titles and positions she has. That the real Riona got lost under them, never to re-emerge. A silly fear, maybe, but it's there all the same.]

Ha. [She shrugs off her worry and laughs a little.] That's the fanciest hat of them all. Then again, I haven't had much need to wear it here. Doesn't really mean much in the fleet.

That's a good thing, isn't it? You need more time to be you, you've been all those other things for the past ten years.

[This place was usually pretty good for that, at least, you could be you without all the junk of the rest of it. Fr the most part. Unless you pulled all that junk out yourself.

It put his mind back to the whole reason they'd met back up here.]

Come on, we should probably get out for our clothes sake if nothing else.

[He made for the steps out of the pool, a slightly disgruntled sound escaping him as he got out and felt the water dragging down on his clothes. At least they hadn't been wearing their shoes.]

I suppose so. The break's been nice, I'll admit.

[Even if it left her wondering what to do with herself, or what to make of it all. It's hard to be just yourself after a decade of juggling roles and responsibilities.

But that's not a problem that needs addressing right now. She nods, following after Anders as she pulls herself out of the pool.]

Oh dear. I forgot how uncomfortable soggy underwear is. [Case in point, her panties are giving her a major wedgie right now. Argh]

[It's like a slow bubbling up from somewhere he didn't think he could reach on a good day, much less a day like today, one of the worst of his life. But he could feel the bubbling in his chest like a decade-old memory of champagne-bright laughter and the weight of an erring in his lobe. It's a chuckle at first, but it bursts like a firework into a bark of laughter that surprises him but feels a little like it did it's own share of burning away the sludge of the last few hours.]

Come-come here. [He's still grinning a he turns to her and puts his hands on her shoulders. Slowly, a warmth spreads through her. It doesn't dry or fix the state of her clothing, but it would take the chill away until she could get back to her room.]

Let's drip our way back to the shuttles.

[It might be a bit at her own expense, but Riona's just relieved to hear him laugh like that. That kind of grief casts a cloud over a person, and makes it easy to forget how to laugh and smile. Even if it's only a little bit, she's glad she was able to give him even that much. She grins sheepishly as he dries her off a bit with his hands.] Thank you. And yes, let's. To dry off properly and get some rest. And drink a lot.

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wrap it up here?